Hurting Heart Tonight

HNI_0100_MPOAnother Fourth of July has come and gone. I enjoyed watching the performances on Wawa Welcome America and watched the beautiful fireworks on TV. I also enjoyed my Fourth of July supper which was pork with gravy, a baked potato and mixed vegetables. I also watched Wawa Welcome America before and after breakfast this morning, and this afternoon I got to listen to Wee Sing America twice.

Tonight. as soon as I was out to take pictures of the Fourth of July sunset, my younger brother snapped at me to get out of his way. I wasn’t in his way, I was just putting my glass of ice water back where I had it. And after I took some sunset pics, I went in the house and told him to listen to me when I talk. Unfortunately he refused to listen and was singing to himself instead. He told me that he didn’t want to talk to me or nothing. He even told me to shut up. I was crying so hard. I couldn’t even take it anymore, so I had a meltdown and ended up forgetting my New Nintendo 3DS as I went upstairs the second time. But the first time I didn’t. I put it in my mouth as I took it upstairs.

In my room, I was crying uncontrollably and biting myself. My mom gave me an ice pack, but it melted in a couple of minutes so I put ice cubes in a big plastic baggie and put it on my bitten hand. I really wish that he and I could get along better, but unfortunately, I don’t know how that’s gonna happen. It just hurts my heart so much when some family members don’t treat autistic/disabled people the way they should. When you’re autistic and you have siblings or family members that don’t care about you, it really just puts a hurt in your heart. Life is hard for autistic/disabled people like me. I just hurt so much tonight, and this just isn’t fair.

Also, when you’re autistic, it’s hard when your family members don’t love you unconditionally and treat you like a piece of dirt. And my younger brother laughed at me when I had a meltdown on Saturday morning. Instead of helping me through the meltdown, laughing at me about it was the only reaction. I just hurt so much right now. I had a wonderful Fourth of July until he completely destroyed it for me. It hurts my heart to have a younger brother show no compassion for me, his autistic sister. It’s neither fair nor right.

My younger brother doesn’t even take the time to listen to me when I try to tell him something, all he does is ignore me and sing to himself every time I talk to him. That hurts my heart because he always treats me like a pile of dirt. If he thinks he can treat me like dirt, then I’ll be dirt. And he made an excuse for his rudeness. That really had me hopping mad. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I hate that he wants nothing to do with me. He is supposed to be my brother. He is supposed to be loving me unconditionally the way families do. I’m getting so sick and tired of this. That’s why tonight my heart is hurting. I can’t deal with his hate towards me any longer. We had fantastic conversations as kids, but now, he wants nothing to do with me. Nothing. I’m done here. He has hurt me enough.

I’m getting tired of being treated like filth all the time. I’m getting tired of being treated like I’m a pile of dirt, like I don’t matter. But I matter, I have a voice and I have a story to tell. It hurts my heart that my younger brother doesn’t seem to care at all. He doesn’t even care about me, and I wish that he would.

Parents and siblings, please remember, always love your disabled brothers/sisters/sons/daughters. Love them unconditionally. Never turn your backs on them, ever. Because they need it. We autistic/disabled people need it. Show them compassion, too. Because we mater. Autistic people matter, disabled people matter. We have a voice, and a story to tell. Because if you treat them like dirt, you have hurt the person who you are supposed to love. So always, always, always love them unconditionally, and find it in your heart to love them.

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