I Am Not Doing Well Today

Today is my niece’s birthday party. She will be turning two in a few days. But I am not doing well at all today. Tears on my cheeks. Crying rivers. Maybe even streams. I feel like I am in a pitfall with nobody to help me. I feel like I am in a pitfall full of sticky mud with nobody to come hop in there with me and get me out. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t even know what to say to myself anymore.

I’m worried that things are not going to get better for me after this hour. I’m worried that today will be much worse. Today I’m struggling. I am struggling to keep a smile on my face. I am struggling to get out of the pitfall of sorrow. I am struggling to be happy and to make everything okay for myself again. At least I’m grateful that I have people who love me and care about me. They have been a blessing to my life. My friends, my autistic friends, and my facebook friends.

I am hurting inside. Emotionally. I just want to keep letting these tears flow so that they can’t stop. There’s nothing I can say or do to make myself feel happier. I feel like there’s nothing left of me. I am falling apart. I don’t understand why life has to be so hard. I feel like there’s a boulder rolling on me, crushing me until I break. I feel so broken. Things are getting bleaker for me. I can’t take it any longer.

This morning, Mom got mad at me for bumping into her. I apologized but sadly she was really angry with me about it. Later I went up in my room and wept.

I don’t plan on committing suicide because I have a strong faith in Jesus Christ. I am trusting Him every step of the way. I know that He’s gonna help me out of this pitfall of sorrow. I know that He will turn my sadness into joy. I know that He’ll comfort me. Because today is just not a good day for me. I lost a good amount of spoons and I am still gonna try to earn them back.

Just a reminder, this is not a pity party. I just wanted to let you all know how I”m doing. I really wish things would get better for me, though. I feel like throwing things, but I don’t think I have the spoons to do that.

I would like for everybody to hear my story. I want to make my story go viral, so that people are more understanding and accepting of autistic people like myself. I’m an autistic adult who has been bullied for most of my life, and I have also been misjudged, misunderstood and misrepresented. I really want to get my story out there. Because this is who I am, and there are a lot of people out there that don’t understand or accept autistic people. I want my story to be aired on talk radio stations everywhere. I want it to go viral. I want it to go viral so that there would be more understandings and acceptance of autistic people.

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